I was beside myself with excitement, following the trail of the Olympic torch as it made its way across Canada. “My God!” I exclaimed, “It can’t get any better than this - various has-beens, coulda-beens and forgottens running a few metres in shapeless, baggy track suits, while locals cheered with passion and when interviewed, declared this to be the most important thing since confederation.” When it topped off with Wayne Gretzky solemnly lighting the cauldron, I bet a lot of people soiled themselves right there!
Then the opening ceremonies proceeding from the drum dancing, that establishes aboriginal culture in perpetual stasis, to a bit of high culture by opera diva Measha Brueggergosman. I missed her, but it seems that Nelly Furtado bridged the gap by being hot.
You would expect that such a stunning opening might overshadow the actual games, but really, what can outdo competitions that are determined by judging rather than rules? The original games were all determined on the basis of rules: who got to the finish line first, who threw something farthest, jumped longer or higher… This bored the Greeks and led to poetry writing, debauchery and inventing philosophy. After a few millennia and the sharpening of the profit motive, the games began to include events with a view to packing the coliseums of the world and attracting sponsors.
Ice dancing and figure skating are great examples of the non-scientifically determined event. The enjoyment lies in trying to guess who the judges will award with medals. This is great fun because its subjectivity makes it easily subject to corruption and bargaining between the judges. The unscientific method has invaded lots of other sports, to allow for the inclusion of a lot of purely show-off events that wouldn’t normally lend themselves to competition - like mogul skiing, where the fastest skier can easily lose to one whom the judges believe looks better. Ski jumping no longer awards the longest jumper. Smartypants-longest-jumper can easily get a thumbs-down if his telemark landing isn’t up to the judges’ standard, or his elbow sticks out too far. This provides the uncertainty and apprehension that stimulates excitement for the audience.
Even those events still judged with objective rules can allow increased stimulation for the audience. Take the luge for example. The tragic death of the Georgian luger in a practice run was the result of organizers making the run too fast. The demand for faster runs is to set records and increase excitement in the event, not in inceasing the skill level. Let’s face it, how much real training is required for a sport that you do lying on your back? The most significant determinant is the vehicle - so why risk lives, put a bag of sand on the sled and it will be just as exciting. This applies to the skeleton and the bobsled as well. Have you noticed the commentator’s incredible attempts to create artificial excitement in a guy hurdling head first on a sleigh with no control to speak of? And what talent is involved in a bunch of guys hugging each other in a bobsled that does exactly the same thing that the last one did?
Speaking of those commentators – the experts who encourage our enthusiasm for watching repetitive activities - they display an intelligence equal to the banality of the sports they promote:
Commentator #1 “He was behind by 10 seconds, but not any more; it’s down to Five!”
Cmtr #2 (Pause for calculation) “He cut it in half!”
The biathlon is an event that combines two normally unrelated activities; shooting and nordic skiing - the former, mindlessly simplistic, the latter requiring superb conditioning and technique . These are combined because watching cross-country skiing, in spite of its athletic merits, is the equivalent of watching grass grow - the only exciting part is the sprint to the finish. The addition of the shooting feature doesn’t inject much more interest, in spite of the commentator’s efforts to convince us that watching a guy squinting through a sight is interesting. If they persist in this idiotic mismatch, the way to get our attention is to have the skiers shoot at each other!
Most games could benefit taking examples from figure skating where, along with choreography and the choice of music, costumes are often mentioned by the commentators. Attention to fetching wardrobes could add points to downhill skiers final scores, an alternative to the tiresome preoccupation with pure speed.
The introduction of new sports are always at the forefront of the Olympic organizers minds. What with the summer Olympics’ creative features like synchronized swimming, the impending ballroom dancing and the winter’s recent addition of curling, one wonders when the traditional sport of snowball throwing will make its entry. Sports gaining in popularity - like extreme fighting which has re-envigorated combat sports by allowing kicking, elbowing and attacking opponents when they’re down- are naturals for the summer Olympics. Monster truck competition maintains a persistent popularity easily at the level of many existing Olympic events. It’s not weather-dependent like skiing, and can be played at many levels unlike luge, bobsled and skeleton (although not by sandbags). The Olympic organizing committee should cast a broader net to bring in more fish – that’s what the sponsors are paying for.
